I’ve been on a journey, and somewhere along the way, my travels brought me to this place. It started innocently. What I thought I’d do is take on a steady project to give structure to my life where little existed at the time. I hoped, too, I would hone my writing skills. But mostly I hoped I would be able to provide comfort and support for people who are struggling in whatever manner by sharing my own struggles, if only to emphasize we are not alone as we face life’s challenges. Someone has been where you are and can relate. And even in the times when you experience something so unique that you feel nobody could possibly have gone through the same, perhaps you would embrace that at a minimum, there is always someone who cares and can support you even without knowing all the gory details. I didn’t realize that you would do that for me, too. I wanted to let you know that you are part of an amazing, powerful universe, and that is something we all have in common. I didn’t know that my writing about it would reinforce my awareness, too.
WRITING AND SEARCHING
I did learn a bit about writing in the last two years. I could have written every single day and had to stop myself from getting TOO absorbed in this project. I can’t imagine how bloggers have trouble coming up with something to write about. I have the opposite problem. I have so many titles, first paragraphs, and potential topics, I can’t decide which to do next because they all feel worthy of pursuing. I always have something on my mind. Something always stirs me. I’m always open to learning a lesson, and I seem to find lessons in nearly everything that I touch and that touches me. I seek to relate and understand–myself, others, everything around me. I hoped that through the writing, I would find my center. Interestingly, when it comes to non-material things, no amount of searching yields the results you want. You cannot chase something down. You cannot capture it in your hands and keep it. You can only commit to the journey, and then sit back and watch your own personal show.
I’ve long believed I’ve had the ability to learn from others’ mistakes. My choices have often been influenced by an awareness of what other people have put themselves through. I’m motivated by what I DON’T WANT to have happen in my life. And understanding? Well, it’s all relative. It’s far easier to understand a math equation than to understand life. The questions and answers of life are infinite. No amount of my own awareness about the topic of understanding and how it is sometimes futile could have allowed me to really integrate it into my consciousness. There are some things we cannot learn from others. We must experience them first hand. Understanding “understanding” is one of them. I’m no more advanced on the topic than anyone else, other than to say I have experienced in these last two years that this desire to understand has no bounds and is potentially a source of unrest. Hence, I now see the wisdom in suggesting that efforts to “understand” and “know” might be futile and consuming, with no guarantee of an oasis in the desert.
IT’S ABOUT YOU . . . AND ME . . . AND YOU
And now, on to what has continued to motivate me to write on the topics I do: YOU. I simply have wanted to be part of the solution by helping my readers if I could, to foster healing, to provide support if my humble thoughts and words could. I’m grateful for the dialog I’ve had with my readers–for being able to help a few and feel helped by them as well. I’ve been frustrated by my inability to do more, to make a real difference. I put a lot into what I write. I put a lot of myself into the people I help in my real life. I stick it out way longer than I should. There’s a fine line between helping and enabling. In the end, we all need to be accountable for ourselves–myself included.
I wonder if I’ve been sticking it out way too long with Swimming in the Mud. It’s possible I’ve been my own enabler, allowing myself to indulge far too long in my struggles–major and minor. In the world we live in, all of my struggles–however immediate and threatening they appear to me–are minor. Even with my focus shifted towards my readers most of the time, it has taken too much energy to articulate those many emotions I struggle to put words to. I’ve never minded the effort because I wanted the writing to do more than just temporarily release my own thoughts and feelings. I wanted it to release my readers’ thoughts and feelings, too. I think it has for some. But, I also have been concerned that the seriousness of the content sometimes just adds to the negative energy in the universe. For all its good intent, I’ve had to admit that perhaps I have been part of the problem in the universe rather than the solution. Nothing would break my heart more.
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW – The Fate of SWIMMING IN THE MUD
In an effort to add to, not detract from, the positive energy around me, I know I need to shift my emphasis. It may mean the end of Swimming in the Mud as we know it or perhaps altogether. After these recent revelations, the name may not emit the positive healing I’ve been trying to promote. I know that when we are in the dark, we are drawn to the dark. I suppose I hoped that I could bridge the gap from dark to light by showing my dark, talking about it, and perhaps shed some light in the end–a glimmer of hope. Maybe by seeing a shred of light in an otherwise dark room, I could have inspired others to be intrigued by the light and head towards it as I have been doing.
As I said, it’s a journey. It’s just a journey. Thank you for being a part of it.
U R LOVED
One more thing: In an effort to always improve and grow, I’d very much appreciate any constructive criticism and/or comments that would let me know what appeals to you about this blog, what has worked for you and what hasn’t. You know what my goals are. Did I meet them? If so, what types of posts did that best? And, if not, what qualities about my writing approach or what subject matter achieved the opposite result? If I end up revamping Swimming in the Mud entirely vs discarding it, I will take these comments to heart and try a better approach to actualize my intentions.